Wife Class 101: Shhh… (the conversation no one wants to have)


Welcome to the conclusion of our Wife Class 101 series! This post comes later than I planned, but husband has been out of town, things come up and sometimes priorities don’t always line up with my to-do list.  If you have missed the previous “classes” you can go back here.

What better way to end the series than with the #1 requested topic. That’s right, Ladies, we’re going to discuss SEX! There are lots of areas we could address but there seems to be a theme among the questions/requests. So, let’s talk about it. Here are some of the topics/questions asked: What if I’m not in the mood? I feel used, not loved. Why isn’t it more like the movies? I don’t feel spiritually connected during sex. There are more, but I will soon run out of space.

From what I’m hearing, it appears the common theme is dissatisfaction or disappointment. I want to address our part first. I would dare to say every one of us has watched chick flicks at some point in our life. We love the feel-good emotions we walk away with at the end of the movie. We want the love, passion, and crazy desire that we see on the screen. Hollywood has done an excellent job of ruining the sexual relationship for many couples. You see, the problem is not that our husbands are incapable of romancing us, but that we have set our expectations at an impossible level. The bar is so high when it is set to a fictional, scripted, unrealistic romance that we guarantee our husband’s failure. Unlike the movies, most men do not intuitively just know exactly what you need when you need it. Nor can they read your mind. It is unfair for us to expect that our husbands should just know us so well that they “just know.” How will they know if you’ve never told them? And, yes, sometimes you have to keep telling them. Are you capable of remembering every little detail ever told to you just once over the entirety of your life? Remember, movies are fictional and not real life! Let’s stop comparing our lives to those we see on the big screens. Much of our frustration and disappointment (in life, as well) are due to unmet expectations. When our expectations are not realistic, it’s no wonder we feel frustrated with our husbands.

I am a believer in the Five Love Languages. If you haven’t taken the test or read the book, I highly recommend that you do. It would also be great if your husband was willing to take it, as well. We all have different ways that we give and receive love. If you find yourself complaining that you don’t feel loved, yet your husband is frustrated because he’s trying, chances are you both have different love languages.

So… what about when “you’re not in the mood?” Two things here. First, sex is an important part of your relationship. It is very important to your husband. Men are more physical while we are more emotional. That doesn’t mean they do not have emotions. But sex and love go hand in hand for them. Men and women are just created differently. First Corinthians 7 talks about the husband/wife relationship. Wives, when you vowed to give yourself self entirely to your husband and your marriage, that included sex. You didn’t just vow to give 100% in other areas but 75% to your sexual relationship. Second, while it’s true you might not be in the mood, it’s also true that you could get in the mood. This is another reason that good communication is so important in your relationship. What do you need from your husband? What do you need to be in the mood? A little time alone? Help with some of the house chores? Being taken out to dinner instead of cooking? A LOOOOONNNNG hot bath? The daily chores of life can be exhausting. Caring for children all day can be exhausting. A stressful job can be exhausting. But putting your husband and your sexual relationship last is exhausting on your marriage.

This is the best analogy I have heard on this topic. Think about holidays and parties. We have great feasts. It’s exciting because it’s not food you eat every day. Sometimes it’s so good you stuff yourself like crazy. But it’s unrealistic to expect to eat like that every meal. The majority of your meals are satisfying, filling and nutritious. And sometimes you just need a snack. Sex is the same way. Sometimes it’s mind-blowing, over-the-top, crazy, circus-style sex! It’s been planned out, thoughtfully put together, romance has built up anticipation all day or over days. It leaves you thinking, “Wow! That was amazing, I can’t believe we just did that!” However, the majority of your relationship will be satisfying and fulfilling. There is a connection. You are satisfied and loved. And sometimes, you or your husband just needs a snack. You know what I’m talking about. It doesn’t require bells and whistles (or feathers and pasties). It’s just a “snack.”

Let’s focus on how we can best serve, love and fulfill our husbands’ needs. When both the husband and wife focus on fulfilling the needs of their spouse, both the husband’s and wife’s needs are met. But if we only focus on our own needs, everyone loses. Ladies, I have confidence in  you. I believe that you can be the best wife for your husband. I believe you can be the Godly wife he desires. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 5 years or 50 years- great marriages require effort.

I hope you have enjoyed this series. If you have other questions or topics  you would like to read about, please contact me! You can leave a comment, find me on Facebook here, on Instagram, Twitter and Periscope @morgencarpenter.

I am not a marriage expert or therapist, just a woman on a journey to finding God’s best for my marriage. In doing so, I am learning how to be the best wife for my husband. If your marriage is in crisis, please consult a professional. 

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