Welcome back to class! I have loved the feedback I’ve received so far. This has been a fun little series and I am so excited for the relationship series Jeremy and I start teaching next week! If this if your first time here, I would encourage you to go back and read previous posts for our Wife Class 101. You can find them here.
WARNING: This post gets extremely personal! But this blog is about real women with real lives. And this is my real life story. It’s a little heavier than usual, but the next post is lighter- I PROMISE!
I have a few close friends that are more meaningful than just “friends I can share anything with.” These are the types of friends that will also tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear. They are willing to call me out, set me straight, and love me through my stupid moments. I respect these women so much because of their boldness, compassion, wisdom, and love. Hopefully, you have a friend, or friends, that do this for you. It was because of one of these friends that I learned I needed help, real help. Girlfriends are great and they can often help us work through average problems. But if we were all honest, there are situations that come up when we need real help. Help that goes beyond even the wisest of friends.
Several years ago, Jeremy and I hit a rough spot in our marriage. Marriage has its ups and downs, but this was a different kind of “down.” This was a make or break point for us. Things that we should have dealt with, or didn’t know how to properly deal with, got swept under the rug for years. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Unfortunately, with time these insignificant issues snowballed into massive conflict between us. On the outside, we were a happily married couple with adorable children. We were on the pastoral staff at our church, helping people in our church and community. We were experts at putting on a happy face. On the outside, everything appeared to be great. But on the inside, our marriage was another story. Little parts of our relationship had been neglected, which became the foundation for the resentment, animosity and hatred that crept into our marriage.
I felt I had no one to turn to. I was convinced that even my close friends wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t turn to the pastoral staff because I was sure I already know what they would say and how they would respond. I had seen how it was handled with other couples. So I kept it to myself. The darkness grew and grew. Before I knew it, I had slipped into a depression I’ve never experienced before. Well, I didn’t really slip, I walked willingly into it! I allowed my thoughts to be consumed with how much Jeremy didn’t love me, didn’t care and how much I disliked him. I cried myself to sleep on a regular basis. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I spent a lot of time imagining my life if I left him. I even entertained the idea of suicide just so he would hurt as much as I did. I knew I needed help.
I went to one woman that I felt I could really trust. She listened with such sweet composure. She didn’t freak out on me. She didn’t tell me I was going crazy. She simply told me I needed help- the kind of help that goes beyond the advice of even good friends. This was not something I could do alone, obviously. Then she explained to me why it was important to have people in our lives for situations like this. She helped me to see the value of getting outside help. Too many people view counseling or therapy in a negative light- as if it is only for the mentally ill. Sometimes we just need that outside person, who has no connections to either party. Before all of this, and now long after, I readily turn to God to help me through life’s bumps in the road. But at that time, I was even mad at God. I was mad that Jeremy’s calling to help people was more of a priority in his life than me. I was mad at God for all kinds of things.
So, long story short, I listened to this wise woman. I got the help I needed. Through that process, I learned a lot about myself, about how to work through this situation, how to get to the place in our marriage I wanted us to be, how to forgive and how to restore trust. Jeremy and I had a series of healing conversations. It didn’t happen overnight; it took time. But we chose to work the process to get us to a healthy place. Now, we are strong. We are the dynamic duo! I love him and he is my best friend! We’ve come a long way, baby!
Jeremy and I choose to live very transparent lives. We have found that there are many people experiencing life situations that we have gone through and overcome. We understand that some things are hard to admit or seek help. But more importantly, we have found that people want real solutions without being judged. That was what I had wanted.
Luke 8:17 For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.
Eventually, what is going on inside your heart finds its way out. Wives, you are the only one that can nurture and protect the condition of your heart. It is important that you take the care necessary to guard your heart. The things in your heart WILL show up in your marriage.
What things have you hidden in your heart that are toxic? Toxic to you, to your relationships? Counseling is not often talked about. Or if it is, it is usually portrayed in a negative light. Sometimes people think it is a last resort. As I talk with women of all ages and all walks of life, I have learned that many of us do not enter marriage with all the life skills we will need for the entirety of our marriage. Many we learn along the way. And other times, we just need someone to help us learn. Our first response is usually to enlist the aid of our current friends. But chances are, they are in the same boat we are in. Do you have women in your life that you can learn from? Do you know women that have more life experience? These women are valuable assets, hold them dear! We can learn so much about being Godly wives from those who are successfully navigating the marriage maze.
The greatest couples I’ve know have all said at some point they needed outside help. For some, they went to mature, trustworthy friends. For others, they sought professional help. (And these are all couples that were living Godly lives and seemed to have it all together). There should be no guilt or shame for taking any measures necessary to keep our marriage successful. We all need help sometimes! Instead of flaunting how bad our lives seem all over social media, let’s be proactive in making our marriages amazing!
HOMEWORK: If you or your marriage needs help, it’s time to set aside pride. It’s time to utilize the resources available. Find women that you can learn from. The end goal is to make your marriage successful!
Up next: Shhh…(the conversation others are afraid to have)- This next post is going to be lots of FUN!!!!!