Thank you for joining me again! If you missed the last post, you can read it here.
I have seen couples that have this euphoric honeymoon phase- sometimes it lasts 6 months, sometimes it lasts several years. But then reality starts to settle in and life isn’t as perfect as they thought it was.
When Jeremy and I were dating, I saw the barbaric signs but didn’t understand them. I thought the drinking from the kitchen faucet was because there were only 2 glasses in the apartment, which his roommate and I were using. But after we got married, suddenly he was driving me crazy with his wet towels on the floor or ON THE BED! He didn’t close the shower curtain after his shower. He loaded the dishwasher wrong. He didn’t seem to understand that you have to tri-fold the towels so they fit neatly in the cabinet. Why were their socks all over the room? He even put the toilet paper on the roller backwards! I had gotten to know his mother and she wasn’t a dolt, so what was wrong with him?!?!?!
I was convinced that my way of doing things was the obvious right way. It was how I was brought up. It was the way I had always done things. It was how my mother had done things. To be honest, I made a much bigger deal about these things than necessary. But I lacked understanding. I didn’t understand how he had been brought up. I didn’t understand why some things just didn’t bother him. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t see that my way was the better way.
When we get married, it is the collision of two worlds. We each bring our own set of beliefs, how we were raised, how we do things, ideas about life and even marriage. He had his way of doing things and you had your way. The reason it is annoying now, is because you live with him everyday. Of course there is going to be friction! You can fight with your husband or you can try to understand him. There are still things that Jeremy does that could drive me crazy if I allowed it. But now I see that it is not a big deal to him. And in the grand scheme of life, it is not really that important. Sometimes the things that drive us batty about our spouse are simply different from how we would do it.
I started asking myself questions before I would let something that was a 2 escalate to a 10.
- If I choose this battle, will it improve my marriage?
- If I choose this battle, will it change our destiny?
- If I choose this battle, will it change me/him or will it slowly crush my/his spirit?
As wives, it is our responsibility to encourage and cheer on our husbands. It is NOT our responsibility to nag or mother them. They want a wife. They want to come home to that sexy lady they married, who is loving, fun, and makes him feel like a man. They don’t want to come home and feel like a child getting grounded. Your husband doesn’t need a second mother; he wants a wife.
If you still can’t just let it go, then it’s time to talk. Have a conversation, filled with GRACE and TRUTH, about how you feel. And find out what makes him tick. He is your husband, your best friend, your partner in crime and partner in life. He spent 20+ years learning his way of life. He needs time to figure out how to be married. And you need time to figure out how to be married. What works for the two of you? Maybe his way of folding towels works better for the closet space you have. Being open to each other brings harmony to your home.
These may seem a trifle thing, but imagine years of frustration. Small things pile up until they have become so big that one of you can’t take it anymore. The usual course I’ve seen is this: wifey doesn’t like how hubby does things. So she nags him, and nags him, and nags some more. Eventually, hubby tunes her out and ignores her. Now wifey feels neglected and unloved because hubby doesn’t care about her feelings. Both start wondering what life would be like with someone else. Do you see how this can be detrimental to your relationship?
HOMEWORK: For the next few days, STOP getting upset over meaningless things. Ask yourself if it really matters. Stop yourself when you want to nag him, instead tell him how much you appreciate him.
Up Next: “Pull over, I’m driving”